Our humor columnist has a few choice words about malignant narcissists, Chinese alligators, emergency bras and scientists who study he sound of gum smacking. You don’t want to miss this one.
Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
This has been a fabulous year for big-brained scientists. They’ve made incredible breakthroughs in genome engineering and discovered some cool new planets. They’ve devised a faster way to gobble up plastic waste and even coaxed a lady alligator to sing opera in a helium-filled chamber.
Most of my vast scientific knowledge comes from improbable.com and the annual Ig Nobel awards, which applaud the brave pioneers who research topics that have virtually no practical application whatsoever. For example, this year’s psychology prize went to the dynamic duo who found a way to identify narcissists by key facial features. I guess that’s useful if it keeps the easily swooned from mistaking this brand of egomaniac for suitable breeding stock.
Narcissists don’t come with warning labels. Camouflaged by charm and good looks, they ooze charisma from every pore. But scientists have discovered the one infallible sign of grandiose narcissism is wonky eyebrows. Even when headshots were displayed upside down, volunteers could spot the narcissists. So when you encounter a narcissist standing on his head in a bar, you can still tell.
In the reptile world, it’s harder to spot narcissists due to a pervasive absence of eyebrows. But you can tell a lot by the way they bellow. A team of researchers who won the Ig Nobel Acoustics Prize “induced” a female alligator of Chinese lineage to bellow inside a chamber. It’s unclear if they simply asked nicely or showed her suggestive photos of male alligators, but it is very clear to me that induce has a bad connotation for both Chinese alligators and American females. (My OB-GYN once used that word in the delivery room, where I remember bellowing for several hours.) Anyway, scientists speculate the reptiles are broadcasting how irresistible they are. You know, like narcissists.
The 2020 Medicine Prize went to a trio of scientists who put a name to the little-known physiological response that may afflict the most docile among us. As hard as we try to “love thy neighbor,” all bets are off when some lip-smacking miscreant starts chomping a wad of gum like a cow chewing cud. Then it’s as if somebody threw a switch and we’re revved up to go all Ronda Rousey on the source of those repulsive sounds, which trigger spontaneous aggression in certain people. Researchers call it misophonia, an up-and-coming, bona fide psychiatric disorder. (That could come in handy if you intend to plead insanity when the assault case goes to trial.)
Certainly, these are all worthy discoveries, but the greatest Ig Nobel award went to Elena Bodnar in 2009. She designed the Emergency Bra, which converts into face masks for you and a friend. It might have seemed outlandish 11 years ago, but everyone needs one now. Whether you’re caught in a terrorist attack, a natural disaster or somebody sneezes in Kroger, this bra can protect you from deadly airborne particles. Just hunker down behind the melons, slither out of your lifesaving foundation garment, place the straps over your ears and breathe normally. You’ll look like a superstar flirting with the organic kale in your lacy, red facemask. (Also available in black.)
So, as we close out the last humor column of 2020 and bid adieu to this horrendous year, there may still be time to sneak an Emergency Bra under the tree for your honey. It’s more practical than a waffle maker, but still counts as lingerie, so she shouldn’t bellow too much.
Jan A. Igoe wishes everyone the merriest Christmas and happiest New Year. The bar was pretty low for 2020, so we have nowhere to go but up. Stay healthy and keep in touch at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.