Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
One of my artist friends is obnoxiously gorgeous, even when the only makeup she’s wearing is splattered paint. It’s unnatural for mortal females to bond with a living, breathing Barbie doll, but she won me over when I saw her list.
Turns out that perfect Cindy believes in full disclosure. She refused to go on a date with the man she eventually married until he was aware of all her foibles. That way, he couldn’t complain later—if there was a later. She laid out 25 less-than-ladylike habits that a successful suitor would have to contend with, from picking her nose in the car to passing gas in her sleep (Barbie bubbles).
Surprisingly, that brave man married her, list and all—even before he learned that her nightly gifts could lower his risk of cancer. Bonus.
We first heard the good news on NPR. Actual scientists, who are eternally inquisitive about useless stuff, found evidence that the aforementioned emissions may help habitual sniffers stay healthy.
You’re probably wondering what kind of screwball would study such a thing. The answer is “a highly educated screwball.” Given a choice between finding the cure for the common cold or figuring out why oysters never get toenail fungus, any scientist worth his petri dish will go for the fungus every time.
Still, whenever this kind of breakthrough research hits the fan, it leads inquiring minds to ponder deeper scientific questions, such as whether or not clams get depressed.
Generally speaking, social opportunities for clams are limited. You’ll rarely see them booking a Caribbean cruise, winning a Grammy or making a 60-yard field goal. But when you spike their coffee with a little Prozac, they’re ready to party. And also mate. The clams may not be happier, but they are definitely friendlier.
More useful studies: When your hamster flies in on the redeye and suffers jet lag, just slip him some Viagra. Scientists from South America, where this must be a serious problem, discovered that zonked hamsters recover in half the time on a single dose. No one has tried Prozac on the hamsters or Viagra on the clams, but surely someone with a very large brain is mulling it over.
Scientists have studied questions that perplex us all, such as: Do sword swallowers get sore throats? What about acid reflux?
Why don’t woodpeckers get migraines?
Can people blush in the dark?
How do you turn a bra into a facemask?
Why don’t rats understand Japanese spoken backwards?
Don’t worry. All those late nights these science guys and gals spend in the lab haven’t been lost on their peers. In fact, the 24th annual Ig Nobel Prizes for improbable research will be given out this month at Harvard. When anything important happens in the world of science, you can bet the Iggie folks know about it. When they tell me, I’ll tell you, and we can all celebrate together.
We already have science to thank for perkier hamsters and happier clams. Now, if they can find a way to make me stop throwing paint at Cindy, we’ve got a real winner.
Jan A. Igoe loves her science oversimplified so no left braincells have to get involved. If you’re doing important hamster research, write her here.