For some folks, bidding farewell to another chilly winter is no reason to celebrate. Red robins and budding daffodils are small consolation for anyone packing up their Snuggie until the next frost.
Therapists, please start your couches. There’s a whole lot of separation anxiety headed your way.
Yes, the world has gone bonkers for Snuggie, the beloved blanket with sleeves. We were hooked the moment infomercials revealed a defenseless housewife pinned to her sofa by a violent, sociopathic blanket. As she fought bravely to free her arms while simultaneously covering her knees, we realized that any one of us could be the next victim of a deadly duvet or homicidal quilt intent on separating us from our TV remotes.
How the human race managed to survive before blankets grew sleeves remains a mystery. But now, it’s uncivilized not to own one. At any moment, you might be recruited to dance the Snug-A-Rena at a pubcrawl with other fuzzy trendsetters. You can’t do that in just any old blanket.
Although Snuggies are not waterproof, they have been used in place of traditional raincoats in California, where many unusual people live. According to redding.com, some guy who appeared to be dressed in a Snuggie was arrested for, shall we say, giving unsolicited anatomy lessons to complete strangers. Turns out he wasn’t actually wearing the garment. He was holding it in front of his body to fool everybody into thinking he was just a harmless idiot wandering around in a Snuggie.
Properly worn, the garment isn’t constructed for flashing innocent bystanders. As everyone knows, the Snuggie is basically a beltless bathrobe that’s worn like a hospital gown, so it’s really better suited for mooning. Still, the news had to come as a blow to London Fog.
While normal people dread backless medical gowns, Snuggie-wearers don’t seem to mind looking like hospitalized wizards. The garment has somehow achieved cult status with an entire population of sofa spuds who probably didn’t buy theirs for the free book light.
Writer Lex Friedman and artist Megan Morrison weren’t willing to settle for reading or knitting in their fleece ensembles. They teamed up to bring us The Snuggie Sutra: Erotic Fun in Your Blanket with Sleeves! If you plan to surprise someone with a Snuggie for Valentine’s Day, don’t forget to include this handy illustrated reference manual so they can cancel their gym membership.
Although I love the way Snuggies flatter fluffy figures, I can’t take anyone marching around in a sleeved blanket too seriously. Would Clint Eastwood be a Hollywood icon now if he’d pulled his .44 Magnum out of a Snuggie? Somehow, “Fuzzy Harry” doesn’t have a menacing ring.
But there could be a legitimate business opportunity here. Eventually, somebody in those infomercials has to fall off the bleachers at a football game or set their sleeves on fire while roasting marshmallows around the campfire. A good personal injury attorney could probably build a thriving practice around it. Just ask your psychotherapist.
JAN A. IGOE is a humorist and illustrator from Horry County who prefers her blankets without appendages. Share your thoughts with her by writing to HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.