Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
By the time you read this, the notorious “Hank the Tank” might be in custody, but his crime spree has captured the imagination of bears everywhere. Until he moves to Myrtle Beach, I’ll be rooting for him.
You remember the notorious Goldilocks crime spree, where a young girl—presumably acting alone—terrorized a bear’s home. She broke in, stole food, destroyed furniture, and vandalized their bedrooms. The bears caught her red-handed, but she was never prosecuted and may still be at large.
It took a while, but now the bears want revenge.
Hank is a 500-pound black bear roaming the affluent Lake Tahoe region of California. At first, authorities presumed he was solely responsible for more than 30 Goldilocks-style home invasions. A 500-pound bear can do a lot more damage than a 50-pound girl, so Hank is on the run. But new DNA evidence has led authorities to conclude that Hank isn’t the only bear who broke bad. He had accomplices.
In terms of property damage, black bears are rank amateurs compared to feral pigs, which are a huge issue for farmers everywhere, including South Carolina. If there’s any crop they won’t eat, farmers have yet to find it.
Whenever wildlife becomes a problem, it’s always a good idea to ask, “What would Texas do?” Texas only pretends to be a state. It’s more like a foreign country—America’s personal Outback, where everybody over age 4 has a hunting license and is probably packing. With 2 million feral pigs taking over the state, Texans aren’t shy about defending themselves. They took to the sky.
In Texas, you can rent a helicopter to mount an aerial assault. If you never got to be a door gunner in ’Nam, this is your chance. The pigs don’t shoot back (yet), and landowners are delighted to have you hunt them. Take a few coyotes, too. They call it “porkchoppering,” and it’s not for the faint of wallet. A few hours of pig culling can set you back thousands. The deluxe package from HeliBacon, a company that offers hunting expeditions, runs $35,800, and they’ll supply the machine guns. “You bring the trigger finger,” their website says.
In Texas, hunting isn’t just a guy thing. Several armed women have become Instagram heroes. Not only do they shoot dinner, but they also find new ways to cook it. When a man shoots an animal, the recipes are pretty straightforward:
Shoot an elk: Serve elk burgers.
Shoot a buck: Serve buck burgers.
Shoot a boar: Serve boar burgers.
Add beer, and you’ve got a three-course meal (yes, the bun counts). But hunters of the female persuasion have that pesky Martha Stewart thing that compels them to marinate anything they shoot with at least 17 ingredients, pair it with truffles and present it alongside linen napkins on a charging plate. Women take it further:
Shoot an elk: Serve pumpkin rosemary elk crepes.
Shoot a buck: Serve buck bourguignon with pineapple salsa.
Shoot a boar: Serve boar Wellington over saffron risotto.
Since I faint when a blister pops, none of this appeals to me. Even if I could shoot an invasive creature, there’s a step between shooting and serving it on a platter that is way too icky for my kind. People like me never major in meat science. (That’s not a dating app; it’s an actual college degree.) Besides, my vegan daughter would have a heart attack, right after she disowned me.
Instead, I’ll just keep rooting for Hank the Tank to settle the score with Goldilocks, the notorious porridge-napper. Let’s hope he never visits Texas.
American Hoggers, the defunct reality show that featured Jerry Campbell claiming he’d been “hunting hogs since Moby Dick was a sardine,” had to come from Texas. Jan A. Igoe is more at home in a state that loves boiled peanuts and oyster roasts. Join us anytime at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.