Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
In any Mexican restaurant, my survival depends on four humble words: “No jalapenos, por favor.” When it comes to heat, I’m a certified aromaphobic. That’s someone with a perfectly reasonable fear that hot, spicy foods will set their tonsils on fire. But around the world, thousands of people crave five-alarm food because they’re addicted to heat. Ed Currie of Fort Mill is one of them.
A legend among super hot pepper lovers, Smokin’ Ed’s Carolina Reaper held the Guinness World Record as the world’s hottest chili pepper for about a decade. A pepper’s fire power—measured in Scoville heat units—comes from its capsaicin content. The Reaper scores over 1.6 million on the Scoville scale. My nemesis, the lowly jalapeno, scores a measly 4,000 to 8,000, tops. To chili heads, that’s amateur hour.
Chili heads are hard-wired to crave “fiery hot salsas and lava-like sauces” for the endorphin rush, according to spicesinc.com, but their digestive systems probably didn’t get a vote. The aftermath is nausea, vomiting, respiratory distress and some other unmentionable ways the body can revolt. Still, it doesn’t stop thousands of heat-seeking people from entering chili-eating contests, although it’s not a condition of parole.
Shahina Waseem is a world-renowned chili challenge champion. Known as the U.K. Chili Queen, the exotic beauty says she doesn’t possess a particularly high tolerance to pain and every upcoming competition jangles her nerves. But according to her website, she can’t resist a challenge, even though “your lips, mouth, and throat feel like they are on fire; face muscles start to twitch involuntarily; and hands shake uncontrollably.” She goes on to describe chills, violent body tremors, muscle spasms and heartburn. “The worst thing I find is the way my eardrums feel like they are about to explode.”
It’s my personal belief that Shahina is a zombie. I learned how to spot them on iZombie, the TV series where they used ghost peppers to verify who was or wasn’t human. If you could easily wolf down a ghost pepper—rumored to be 170 times hotter than Tabasco sauce—you were a zombie in good standing. If a little nibble set your hair on fire, you were human. Shahina, who says she once ate 105 Carolina Reapers in a single sitting, can’t possibly be human.
This documentary series on Hulu called Superhot: the Spicy World of Pepper People, follows folks who dream of creating magical peppers, maybe hot enough to melt your face off on contact. Then, they’ll monetize it into chips, sauces and snacks, like Smokin’ Ed’s PuckerButt Pepper Company did. The hot sauce market alone was valued at $3 billion last year.
Aurea Claire de Guzman, whose home is wall-to-wall aquariums, was featured on one of the Superhot episodes. Although she’s still searching for her superstar product, she’s already found the magic ingredient for nourishing her potentially famous peppers, which she grows hydroponically. “Aquarium water from my snail tank,” she says. “Snail poop is magic.”
Meanwhile, in other non-snail news, the Carolina Reaper was recently knocked off its pedestal by a new super hottie: Pepper X. Don’t feel bad for Smokin’ Ed. The X is his creation, too. Heat-wise, it comes in just shy of 2.7 million Scoville units.
As a loyal South Carolinian, I’ve tried to be open-minded about chili-eating duels and the thrill of exploding eardrums, but I’ll have to pass. I can always flambé something in the privacy of my own kitchen if I need to set my throat on fire.
Truth is, I can live without the snail poop, too.
Jan A. Igoe wouldn’t be surprised to see one of these pepper heads spontaneously ignite one day. Yes, it would be tragic, but when you play with fire—or eat it—you may get burned. Keep in touch with the aromaphobes at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop, where we love to hear from you.
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