If you read the news, you’ve probably noticed that the world’s Wacko Meter seems stuck in the “everybody’s gone bonkers” zone. Stupidity is spreading like the plague among Homo sapiens, especially when they’re dealing with the animal kingdom.
Case in point: A couple in Ohio strapped a live cat to the hood of their SUV and went for a drive. Within minutes, photos of the cat-mobile went viral, leaving normal people—there are a few left—wondering what’s with the live hood ornament. A few possibilities:
- Cat gets carsick
- Hood needs sanding
- Cat paid extra for blow dry
- Local insane asylum was full
This was only worth pondering until I read about the stolen camels. According to Reuters, someone made off with two 9-foot camels owned by a nice Missouri farmer who found them on Craigslist.
So much is wrong here. Where do we start? Let’s say you’re looking for a career change and decide camel napper is the way to go. It seems lucrative—a single dromedary can fetch $9,000 or so. But there are other considerations. For instance, your getaway car is going to need a really big moon roof. Camels aren’t something you can just strap to your hood unless you live in Ohio.
Besides that, you’ll need a place to store your merchandise until the pawnshop opens. If you live in a community with a homeowners association, there’s bound to be some nitpicky rule about keeping stolen goods on a leash. You should also expect some camel envy from nosy neighbors who will want to know where they can get one. (Just say Craigslist.)
Another thing about camels: They’ve been known to sit on their handlers when they get cranky, which is pretty much whenever they’re awake. This may have serious consequences for anyone involved who isn’t the camel. Perhaps a nice emerald-smuggling ring or diamond heist would be a better career starter. Jewels don’t run 40 mph and almost never spit.
Before deciding, let’s do the math. You can sell a pound of diamonds for $56 million, while a pound of camel goes for $10.58, so there’s that. And it’s much harder to sell camels by the carat. These are important considerations when you’re building a new business.
By the way, the animals we’ve been abusing aren’t all that happy with us, and some have started to retaliate.
Last May, a 22-pound Himalayan cat attacked his family—the very people who put a roof over its ungrateful head and tuna in its snarling mouth—trapping them in a back bedroom until officers subdued it. News reports said the owner told the 9-1-1 operator that their family feline had a history of violence.
Payback isn’t just a cat thing. Beavers are getting in on the act, too. This nice Virginia lady, who had just finished her swim in the lake she shares with beavers, reported that a rude one knocked her down and started biting. Beavers are large, hairy, water-soluble rodents that are usually content to sink their overbite into fallen logs, not elderly swimmers. But they’ve also gone after kayakers, who report that beating an aggressive 65-pound beaver with a paddle isn’t as effective as one might hope.
One last tip: Bears don’t do selfies. The U.S. Forest Service has been advising hikers that rushing up to bears for a Hallmark moment is a really bad plan. The bears, who rarely have Facebook accounts, have a whole different idea about what makes for a great photo. In fact, 77 percent of bears surveyed prefer action shots. You might try strapping one to your hood.
Jan A. Igoe, writer, animal enthusiast and career advisor, keeps a wild 9-pound mutt in captivity. She has to confess that her expertise with rabid beavers and bears is somewhat limited. Write her here.