In a world gone mad, maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that a hamster is outperforming a billionaire when it comes to buying and selling cryptocurrencies.
Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Somehow, I’ve managed to trek through life without any true understanding of investment strategy. That’s because there may be numbers involved. And wherever numbers gather, math is often lurking behind a bush.
I’m certainly not proud of my ignorance. I’d rather be a billionaire. Billionaires are fascinating people who have rocket ships and private islands and build “just us girls” space communes. That’s what Elon Musk’s ex—the musician who voluntarily chose “Grimes” as her moniker from more than 170,000 available vocabulary words (including many pleasant ones)—is planning to do with one of Jupiter’s moons. When you’re a billionaire, you don’t argue over Earthly possessions, just outer space real estate. The planet has 79 moons, so there’s plenty of room. Target could have its own colony if it acts before Walmart hears about this.
Back in the early Boomer years, my dad never taught me or my sister anything about finance because he was certain our future husbands would handle that nonsense. Obviously, Dad had a great sense of humor, but was stricken by the prevailing parent mindset, which stated that girls should aspire to type at least 80 words per minute and become secretaries until Prince Charming arrives to launch them into the grandkid business. This thinking didn’t evolve much until girl gurus like Suze Orman, who never got the type-for-success memo, surfaced on the internet to raise our consciousness. Once women with a flair for finance appeared, people like me, who possess the money management skills of a hamster, felt very, very dumb.
Of course, that was before I heard about Mr. Goxx, who just happens to be a hamster. One with a stellar investment portfolio.
The CEO and founder of Goxx Capital may look like any other rodent when he’s furiously running in circles on his wheel, but he’s actually making investment decisions on cryptocurrency, another money thing I can’t grasp. Nevertheless, I follow him on his Twitch account. He gave me and 24.8K other viewers a guided tour of his office at twitch.tv/videos/1083783374.
Mr. Goxx has a window office with a corner desk, a couple of plastic tunnels and, of course, the linchpin of his operation: his Intention Wheel.
“Here I can select the assets I plan to buy or sell,” he says. Mr. Goxx doesn’t actually speak, but probably wrote his own thought bubbles for the video. Once he pinpoints an asset, “All I have to do is run through one of these tunnels,” which are marked Buy and Sell. His private apartment is a separate space, a perk demanded by most successful hamsters.
In late September, Mr. Goxx was outperforming the market and Warren Buffett’s crypto picks. And he achieved that benchmark in only three months of trading. That gave me hope.
If a nocturnal, food-hoarding rodent can achieve financial success, then why can’t a nocturnal, food-hoarding female with an exercise bike?
I can print a Buy label for my peanut butter cups and a Sell label for the Raisinets. I’m bound to run toward one or the other when I get off the bike.
Meanwhile, while I wait to achieve Goxx-level success, my daughter has launched a Robinhood account for me. She tells me I’m up 30% (or $25) since June. She won’t tell me how, so you can bet I’ll be checking her room for hamsters.
Jan A. Igoe is trying to catch up on her financial education by reading everything she can and shredding the pages for hamster litter. She wishes everyone a healthy, happy Thanksgiving holiday. Before you leave for Jupiter, check in at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop for market tips you should ignore.