Nobody has ever accused me of being a morning person. Sure, I’d love to see the sun rise, but you can show me the video after lunch. Just bring popcorn.
That’s because I live in South Carolina—the nation’s "eighth laziest state,” according to Bloomberg Businessweek’s 2010 ranking of sleepy hollows. We’ve already got Jon Stewart calling our state “America’s whoopee cushion” on his comedy news show. Now this.
Citing government survey data, the magazine claims we sleep almost nine hours a night and only wake up to watch TV. We’ll probably call a cab to haul our carcasses into the living room because walking requires physical exertion, which we’d rather avoid. Grueling workdays that last almost 3½ hours leave us totally exhausted, so we might spend the winter hibernating. Sure, that’s us.
You’re probably wondering who ratted out the Palmetto State. We assume it wasn’t anyone with caller ID and a life. But it could be the teenager sprawled on your couch, who splits his waking hours between text messaging and air guitar; or the neighbor who retired 30 years ago to golf happily ever after. Everybody age 15 and over is fair game.
Here’s how it works: Researchers start by collecting raw data from a few thousand people all over the country. They keep tabs on how much time folks spend working, sleeping, bonding with the boob tube, socializing, exercising, relaxing, and occasionally, thinking. Stuff like that.
Before drawing any rash conclusions, the numbers are mathematically mutilated to represent 310 million Americans. Let’s say you’re a 16-year-old high school sophomore and I’m your 48-year-old deliciously youthful-looking mother. On average, we’re both 32. That’s a pretty good deal for me, although I’m not sure why you’re still living at home.
Since this survey only counts one activity at a time, we don’t get extra points for multitasking. Even if you were to knit 16 sweaters while standing on your head during "Glee,” watching TV is considered sedentary. Survey-wise, you’d still be a slacker.
In fact, you could be piloting a jumbo jet when a flock of suicidal birds disables both engines, leaving you to devise a miraculous landing in the Intracoastal Waterway that saves hundreds of passengers. But the survey would only give you credit for working, not thinking. That’s a separate category.
Then the magazine writers handpicked some of these valuable stats to determine who’s lazy. Of course, they soften the blow by claiming that “lazy” doesn’t really mean lacking work ethic. “It’s just a measure of leisure time spent doing sedentary activities, compared with activities that require more physical effort,” such as tearing up the magazine and setting it on fire for recreational purposes.
I used some of the 25 minutes South Carolinians allegedly spend “relaxing and thinking” between naps to ponder our image problem. The way I see it, the trick is how you interpret the data. Since we watch more TV here than anywhere else, why don’t we celebrate setting a new American record? This is breaking news. Where’s that lazy press when you need them?
Whoa, that was way too much thinking. It’s time to put my feet up, flex my powerful sitting muscles and stare at the tube. If the survey people call, tell them I’m rigorously training for when TV marathons become an Olympic sport. Now where’s that popcorn?
JAN A. IGOE is a writer and illustrator from Horry County who is violently allergic to statistics (and math in general). When she’s not hibernating, you can share your thoughts with her at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.