Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
So let’s talk about Florida. Let’s do that because it’s even hotter there than the broiler we’re roasting in, and gloating is good exercise.
What do we know about the Sunshine State? Well, besides being the retirement capital of New York and birthplace of the hanging chad, Florida boasts more toll roads than anyplace else on Earth. If you find yourself on a Florida “freeway,” the best way to protect your savings is to abandon your car, walk to the next exit and stay there.
A lot of strange things go on in Florida, too. You might have seen the video of a carefree woman shaving her large legs in a hotel pool. The pool sign said no glass bottles or diapers, but nothing about razors and hairy appendages.
Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry once described South Florida as having its own “Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet.” Even better, it has Bettina Rodriguez-Aguilera. To the best of my knowledge, she’s the only woman allegedly abducted by aliens (in second grade, she says) who ever ran for Congress. Miami obviously sets the weird bar high, but the rest of the state is trying to keep up.
For starters, there’s a lot of confusion about drive-through windows, particularly those that don’t offer burritos. When a hungry man pulled up to order lunch at a bank window, he was arrested for DWI. There was no sign stating that the bank wasn’t Taco Bell, so he simply got confused. He probably assumed he could shave there, too.
Then at a Wendy’s, another funny fellow tried to shove an alligator through the drive-up window. When you don’t have cash, you can pay with reptiles in Florida.
I’m sorry, but the Carolinas can’t out-weird Florida in the large scaly beast department, either. We have cute little lizards that scoot around the yard. Florida has iguanas bigger than your preschooler.
We have adorable green tree frogs. They have gigantic, poisonous toads that are overrunning the state.
We’ll return to the toads after this important question: What do you do when invasive iguanas are running amok? In Florida, you serve them with avocado and salsa.
Iguana meat isn’t as popular as pizza yet, but the reptiles should still be nervous. Also known as “chicken of the trees,” iguanas are common fare in many places in South America, and Florida may be next. Trappers have started exporting the exotic meat and chefs are testing ways to tempt American palates and bypass the “yuck” factor.
According to a March 2018 National Geographic article, the best ways to kill the lizards are pellet guns, decapitation and “stabbing them in the brain,” like zombies. Blunt force trauma also works, but no freezing, poisoning or drowning. (And that’s just how humane researchers are doing it.)
OK, back to Florida’s poisonous toad problem. Like tourists, giant cane toads can be found all over the state, but the wart-ridden invaders seem particularly fond of the Palm Beach area for romantic interludes. Predators have zero interest in adding toxic toads to their menus, so cane toads use the extra free time (not hopping for their lives) to eat and multiply. Wildlife experts have given frantic Floridian property owners permission to kill these trespassing amphibians.
Unlike iguanas, it’s OK to freeze these toads as long as you smear benzocaine on their bellies before sticking them next to the popsicles. If you’re out of ointment, you may refrigerate the amphibians prior to freezing. Place them in a plastic container marked “Poisonous Toad—Do Not Eat,” because anything in the fridge is fair game to most husbands. Single women can skip this step.
Room-temperature giant cane toads can squirt poisonous glop from their heads, so we won’t be wolfing down toad burgers anytime soon. But look for iguana burritos at an ATM near you.
Jan A. Igoe is not particularly adventurous when it comes to food. She’s on a lizard-free diet, no matter who insists they taste like chicken. Write her at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.