I have good news and bad news. The bad news, as you’ve probably heard, is that none of us is getting out of here alive. The universe has disastrous plans for every living thing that calls Earth home, at least according to Hollywood. The good news is, I’ve analyzed the most likely catastrophes for your convenience, so you can prepare.
Zombie apocalypse
Zombies have always been out to splatter your guts, but fortunately, they’re easy to spot. Let’s just say these guys aren’t the life of the party, and not just because they’d eat the guests. The undead rarely shower and aren’t big on conversation. If you’ve seen The Walking Dead, you know they don’t set the bar for personal hygiene very high. They forget to floss, even when flesh is wedged between their teeth. Most of them walk as if they just had a knee replacement, but for some reason, we never seem to outrun them. Zombies are frequently attracted to teenagers and may gather in shopping malls for a spontaneous buffet. Honestly, if they weren’t about to disembowel us, we’d barely notice them. Stay sharp.
Hostile aliens
Aliens are harder to pick out than zombies. You could be sleeping with one and not know it. (Picture your ex.) They may hatch from pods and assume human form, or just move in next door. One minute they’ll borrow a cup of sugar, the next, they’ll enslave humanity. Ridley Scott, who directed Alien, suspects that hundreds of extraterrestrial life forms—none of them friendly—would love to add us to their menu. Earth will become one big, blue-planet special when they land. But astrophysicists, who have never directed any sci-fi movies, dispute that. They say the odds of intelligent life traveling gazillions of light years just to see if we are anything more than lowly bacteria are remote. Yeah, that’s probably what they told Sigourney Weaver before the xenomorph mistook her for lunch. Be wary of anyone drooling acid.
One last Sharknado
Anyone with half a brain, even zombies, will avoid sharks at all costs. They have way too many teeth and lousy dispositions. At one time, we felt relatively safe from attack if we just remained on dry land, far from Jaws territory. But that was before Sharknado, the movie franchise that showed us sharks can fly when the weather’s right. Apparently, this surprising phenomenon does not diminish the shark’s appetite, so they’ll want an in-flight meal. Unless you’re really handy with a chainsaw (to cut yourself out of a man-eating predator that arrives by tornado and swallows you whole), your days are numbered. We’ve seen rampant carnage in five movies already. If the sharks don’t finish you, watching Sharknado 6 should do the trick.
Earth-crunching asteroid
How much damage can one little ol’ asteroid do? Well, a small space rock might put a dent in Des Moines, but that’s practically another planet to East Coasters. When we’re talking asteroids the size of Texas, that’s bad for tourism. Remember that monstrous space rock in Armageddon? “It’s what we call a global killer,” Billy Bob Thornton explained. Should a monster like that head our way, we’re doomed unless Bruce Willis agrees to blow it up. Scientists confirm that some asteroids are indeed ginormous enough to wipe out life on this planet. The only thing saving us is the fact that they are not heading our way. However, if an alien couple is hitching a ride on that rock, we all know it’s only a matter of time until the female stops to ask for directions.
I know I would.
Jan A. Igoe spends more time running from insects than zombies, but caution is wise. Please help your fellow readers by reporting all alien, zombie and flying shark sightings to HumorMe@SCLiving.coop. Jan’s ex is already on the list.