Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
When you live in South Carolina, some of your neighbors are likely to be alligators. Any time you pass a lake, pond, or puddle in these parts, it’s smart to assume that large, hungry reptiles are patrolling the perimeter.
Like human neighbors, alligators have their own unique personalities. Some mind their own business, while others call for a SWAT team when a soccer ball lands on their turf. You need to know which you’re dealing with before you invite one over for cocktail hour.
Experts claim that alligator attacks are rare, but anyone reading this magazine knows that feeding gators (food or cocktails) is a bad plan. According to the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources, it’s not only unsafe, it’s illegal. Distance is your best friend when you spot an alligator, especially around kids and pets. “Alligators have been documented climbing 5-foot chain-link fences to get at dogs,” the dnr.sc.gov website warns.
To stay safe, just think of gators as great whites with legs and keep the Jaws theme on continuous loop. Better yet, move to Idaho.
If you should stop in Pennsylvania, be sure to look up Wally, who may be the only emotional support alligator in the world. Expert reptile handler Joie Henley rescued him in 2016. According to news reports, Wally sleeps with Henley, loves to cuddle and adores belly rubs. He prefers popcorn to live prey and refuses to clamp his jaws down on any living thing. When videos of Wally politely swimming next to tasty, bite-size children went viral, his affectionate nature and no-bite policy made him a scaly media sensation. Wally may be a peach as alligators go, but I’d rather my kids swam with toothless, vegan manatees.
In some cultures, gators are sacred symbols. Last year, Victor Sosa, the mayor of a remote Mexican village, married a 7-year-old gator known as “Little Princess,” according to insider.com. There’s a long-held belief that those who want abundance and prosperity should waste no time proposing to an alligator, so he did. The groom carried his child bride through town in her white gown and flowered veil as locals celebrated their glorious union.
Not every alligator is ready to settle down. Kanye, for example, prefers playing the field. Named for the famous rapper, the enormous boy resides at the Australian Reptile Park. In 2021, his insatiable appetite for the ladies brought him international fame, according to news reports.
"He’s a young bloke, full of testosterone and he’s raising havoc right now,” park director Tim Faulkner told Newsweek. “So the best thing to do is to send him to the naughty corner for some quiet time out.”
Despite legions of experts warning us to avoid alligators, some dummies still try to keep baby gators as pets—until the gators outgrow the bathtub. That’s when owners realize they’re living with a ravenous apex predator on its way to being 15-feet long. Surprise! So they dump their panicked pets in the nearest puddle.
In Michigan, where the pet alligator market is thriving, one alligator sanctuary has more than 200 disposable gators in their care. A woman licensed to sell baby gators told clickondetroit.com that when they get too big, you can eat them or make boots.
Small wonder they’re cranky. No alligator wants to live in Michigan. That’s why you never see one shoveling snow. I doubt they like the boot thing, either.
Jan A. Igoe often sees gators waddling from pond to pond on the golf course. She won’t hesitate to help a stray turtle get to its destination, but gators will have to call an Uber. Please join us at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop. And special thanks to loyal reader Larry Mayfield, a Berkeley Electric Cooperative member, for his alligator tips.