Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
For the past million years or so, humans have relied on clothes for warmth, protection and resistance to arrest. Since nature elected not to cover us with thick fur or scaly hides (most of us, anyway), we’re not weatherproof or tough. Humans are a woefully delicate species. Our kind may be mortally wounded by a stray Lego.
In the interest of full disclosure, I would still wear clothes even if it wasn’t required for practical and legal reasons. The colors, designs, styles and variety call to me—usually from a store to say they want to come live in my closet. And who am I to deny them?
Even though writers of modest means are not the target audience for celebrated fashion designers, I follow them to spot the latest trends so I’ll recognize a bargain when it shows up at Goodwill five years from now. But the latest out of Paris is too bizarre, even for me.
During a winter fashion show, Kanye West (or Ye as he is now known) and his new squeeze debuted denim outfits, which were fashionably ridiculous. His ultra-baggy pants looked like hand-me-downs. Hers were long enough for an NBA center, yet her jacket didn’t make it to her bare navel. On the functional side, the jacket gets points for the built-in cone-shape bra, pointy enough to impale an enemy (think Madonna’s Blond Ambition tour). It could also double as a funnel in case these folks ever see a kitchen.
The thing is, fashion loves to leave practical in the dust. Take the “Godfather of Goth Glam” Rick Owens and his trendsetting menswear, for example. He designs mostly black clothes that might have two sleeves, or maybe three. And they may be 5 feet long. There may be a tank top hanging from the pants. Sometimes there’s a spare armhole by your navel should you grow an extra appendage. (The jury is out on long-term effects of the vaccines, so anything is possible.)
Owens’ shapes would make Salvador Dali drool. One design has shoulder pads like pro football players wear. Another features metal chains that hug your bare chest like a vest. If you get cold, check out his puffer coat that zips from waist to forehead. (You can’t see or breathe, but you’ll be warm.) If someone wearing a Rick Owens original leather design with random architectural features jutting out of the abdomen showed up at your door on Halloween, you’d give him all the treats he wanted. Then you’d turn your porch light off and hide.
Pushing the boundary of bizarre, Owens also introduced a hat-like helmet thing that’s about 3feet tall and features two glowing lights. Fluorescent, I think. It might be good for hurricane season.
Ironically, Owens keeps no more than five things in his own closet and always wears the same outfit. He says a fit body is way more important than clothing. He also thinks that every guy wants to be remembered “as a heroic wizard standing on a cliff holding a torch,” according to hypebeast.com.
While peasants like me wonder where in the world men wear this stuff, Owens has fans around the world who do. You can land a patterned hoodie with stripes going in every direction for $2,435 at farfetch.com. Pair it with black drawstring trousers for $453 from ssense.com. (That’s the sale price.)
Go ahead, Gandalf. Get the helmet to go with it.
Jan A. Igoe isn’t knocking wizards or fashion; she’s just fascinated by outfits that won’t fit in a car. Especially if they cost more than the car. Trendsetters and Merlins are always welcome at HumorMe@SCLiving.com.