Learn how a kindergarten kerfuffle led our humor columnist to a lifelong love affair with cows.
Illustration by Jan Igoe
Back in kindergarten, there was this one teacher who didn’t like me. Actually, she was my only teacher. Ms. Bell favored the pretty girl who wore pink party dresses and matching bows in her dark, shiny hair. The mousy mullet I sported looked like my mother had been trying to set some sort of speed record with a hatchet. Even at 5, I knew that making friends would take special effort to compensate for the catastrophe on my head.
One day Ms. Bell and her pink pet were standing by the door as the class lined up behind her. That’s when inspiration struck. I ran up to the front of the line to open the door for them. Flashing my best semi-toothless grin, I was certain this benevolent gesture would make her like me, mullet and all.
In kindergarten, however, line-cutting is a felony. Ms. Bell’s finger began wagging furiously as her face turned mean and her words got loud. She wouldn’t let me explain. Hurt and defeated, I decided to make her life miserable instead.
The next day, the topic turned to farm animals and the sounds they make.
Ms. Bell: “Janice Anne, tell us which animal says moo.”
Me: “Maybe pigs.”
Ms. Bell: “No. You know cows say moo.”
Me: “Yeah, but I want proof.”
That’s when Ms. Bell and my mom became good friends. As luck would have it, my mother happened to have proof that cows say moo. And if I wasn’t careful, she’d let me have it. It’s always wise to believe someone who is adept with a hatchet.
After writing “Cows moo” about a billion times, I became fascinated by the cud-chewing creatures. Did you know a cow’s stomach can hold up to 50 gallons of food? It’s a virtual bathtub. If you’re wearing aftershave, a cow six miles away can tell you which brand. And that’s just the basic stuff.
If you want to impress someone over cocktails, tell them how painting eyes on a cow’s derriere protects lions from gun violence. (Stay with me.) According to sciencealerts.com, African farmers can’t afford lions poaching their livestock for lunch. Being slow, large and tasty makes cows preferred prey. So someone thought, “Hey, maybe if we just paint some eyeballs on their butts, the lions will get so confused, they’ll go to Chick-fil-A instead. We won’t have to shoot them.”
Nature is all about using camouflage to bewilder predators. The lions weren’t expecting front and rear eyeballs, much less a swishing tail where the nose should be. Unsure if these mysterious creatures are edible, they opt for fast food instead. Maybe antelope.
That’s not the only job opportunity for cow painters. Studies found that flies hesitate to bite cows painted like zebras. According to theguardian.com, the stripes “confuse a fly’s motion detection.” They come in like Maverick buzzing the tower in Top Gun and forget to brake before landing, which can’t bode well for the fly. But the cow is happy.
And farmers want happy cows because they yield more milk. Right now, Russian famers are testing virtual reality goggles so their cows can visualize a sunny day in the field with no lions or flies. Anything to bolster the herd’s emotional mood.
Whenever I read about cows, I think of Ms. Bell telling me they moo. Wherever she is, I hope flies are biting and lions are hiding nearby. I’ll open the door for them.
Urbanite Jan A. Igoe envies kids who grew up with animals, especially cows. When you need the latest cow news, check in here. We’ve got it all. Join us at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.
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