Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
By the time you read this, a pumpkin or two may be grinning from your porch, but deadlines come early in magazine land, so I’m writing this column as the 2021 Summer Olympics draw to a close. For two weeks, I was riveted.
Five new sports made their debut for a total of 339 medal events comprised of popular sports, unpopular sports and sports inspired by psychedelic mushrooms. As mushroom sports go, the modern pentathlon wins the gold medal.
The original Greek version featured running, jumping, spear hurling, discus throwing and the first known (or rumored) wardrobe malfunction. While sprinting down the stadium field, one athlete blew right out of his loincloth, which featured the Nike logo. Since all the competitors and spectators were men, they decided to ditch regulation attire and have everyone compete naked.
Today’s modern pentathlon combines running, swimming, shooting, equestrian skill and fencing. Worthy disciplines, yes, but no less random than accounting, brain surgery, jazz saxophone, dog grooming and hopscotch to many viewers. That’s because the pentathlon is based on survival skills for a 19th-century cavalry officer, according to theguardian.com. Of course, a soldier had to be adept with his revolver and saber. He might even have to swim across a river to evade the enemy and flee on the nearest trusty steed. Today, not so much.
Here’s where it gets crazier. All the other Olympic equestrian events are “BYO horse” except this one, where there’s a little speed dating in the mix. Pentathlon competitors are paired with a random horse by lottery—aka sheer luck—20 minutes before they’re expected to jump over obstacles as if they’ve been practicing for years. Seems like a good way to get killed if you ask me, which no one did.
Imagine being assigned a new doubles partner right before your championship tennis match. Maybe you’ll get Roger Federer. But you might get a lemon like Artem Bahmet, the mysterious Ukrainian player who seems confused about which end of the racket is supposed to hit the ball. (Either way, you wouldn’t have to convince them to jump over the net with you on their back.)
But pentathlon athletes have to do exactly that. And the 1,400-pound-ish beast they’ve just met may not be in a jumping mood. He or she might be in a bucking mood. Or an “I’m not going anywhere until I’ve had my coffee” mood. In Tokyo, several horses put their hoofs down, smashing the Olympic dreams of their flustered riders. Athletes can train for any contingency except a first date with an obstinate horse.
When the Olympic committee does ask me, I’ll suggest replacing the whole horse fiasco with Unicycle Hula Hooping. It will be easier for viewers to appreciate the difficulty in that sport than, say, artistic swimming, where the women look unhappier than those horses. No one wearing a nose plug has ever looked happy.
Once they make the switch, you’ll never see a rider whipping (or a coach punching) their innocent unicycle. And if we still need more "wow” factor, we can bring back loincloths, which had roughly the same amount of fabric as the women’s beach volleyball outfits.
Just saying.
Jan A. Igoe, who never chews gum while walking, is in awe of every gymnast, pole vaulter and artistic swimmer—all the athletes. She holds the World Couch Potato record for marathon Olympics viewing. Have a happy Halloween and join us at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.