Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Before we start, let me make one thing perfectly clear: When it comes to money, you shouldn’t listen to me. If you need foolproof advice on how to make the worst possible investment at the most precarious time, I’m your girl. But my brain is not wired to comprehend non-fungible tokens, blockchains and the cryptocurrency I’m about to explain.
Even my credit reports baffle me. My score bounces up five points one day, then dives three the next, like it hiccuped. According to Equifax, there are two reasons for this phenomenon. Things in my favor: Excellent on-time payment history. Things working against me: Late payments. Wait, you just said … and what late payments? Since the invention of autopay—which is up right up there with the wheel in my book—even creative types with the clerical aptitude of a cantaloupe can’t screw it up.
And did the credit wizards give me extra points for buying a Hobbit-sized house (Frodo’s, I think) and paying it off? That’s no small feat for a single writer who didn’t divorce well. But no, now they’re cranky that there are no real estate loans in my vast portfolio. I’ll bet those dumb billionaires who pay cash for their private islands don’t realize what it does to their credit. Take that, Elon.
Let’s take a brief tour of high finance. In the beginning, we bartered and kept things simple. If you gave me a cow, I’d give you a daughter. That worked for millions of years. Then we had to complicate it. Enter, cowrie shells.
The shells were first used as currency in 1200 BC. They were easier to carry than cows and much shinier. The further you were from the source of the shells, the more valuable they were. So if you owned 3 shells and moved to Idaho, you’d be rich.
Through the centuries we’ve used everything from deerskin to precious metals as currency. When paper money became a thing, China led the way. They even printed fortunes on the money that inevitably came true: “Those caught counterfeiting will be decapitated.” China wasn’t known for subtlety, but clarity is useful here.
In 9th century Ireland, the Vikings were clear, too. If you didn’t pay their tax, they would slit your nose Jack Nicholson-style. Vikings don’t offer installment plans. Next time you hear “pay through the nose,” you know who to thank.
Today, there’s cryptocurrency, which lives up in the cloud beside all the data we lost. You can’t see it, touch it or put it in your wallet, but it must be a good thing because Mark Cuban and Elon Musk own tons of it.
But where did it start? According to Invetopedia.com, credit goes to Satoshi Nakamoto, who may or may not actually exist. (No red flag there.) In 2009, virtual currency was born as bitcoin with no government or bank to back it. It’s strictly peer-to-whoever understands geek speak. To me, bitcoin sounds like the best way to pay for any bridge a stranger in a plaid suit might be trying to sell you.
Today, bitcoin has competitors. Musk prefers Dogecoin, which he plans to put on the moon, per his tweets. Before we get too excited about another billionaire’s ideas, let’s remember that this one named his kid “X Æ A-12.”
So, that’s the history of money summarized by a cantaloupe whose checkbook remains a mathematical enigma. But I warned you not to listen to me. I would have stuck with shells.
Jan A. Igoe considered a career in finance, before being reminded that she has the attention span of a gnat and no left brain whatsoever. That’s OK. Mark Cuban probably can’t draw cartoons. Join us at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop any time. Thanks for reading!