Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Not long ago, TikTok was that red-headed social media stepchild shunned by everyone over age 12. Just a bunch of silly Gen Xers videoing themselves lip-synching cringe-worthy songs with a passing resemblance to music. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Our former president tried to ban it, but TikTok started spreading faster than kudzu on Red Bull. What was once the sole province of the pimple-prone now regularly attracts 1.5 billion monthly users who might include your grandma. Hungry marketers can’t resist a feast like that, so household names like Gucci, NatGeo, Disney and Target jumped on board. Now, prepubescent airheads have to compete with adult airheads battling for the exalted rank of social media influencer.
Influencers are like the popular kids everybody tried to emulate in fifth grade, but they’re paid better. Take Charli D’Amelio, for example. At 17, she has collected more than 130 million followers with her dancing videos. Last year, she was the most popular person on TikTok and put $17.5 million in her pocket, per Forbes. (If your tap shoes still fit, stop reading and start dancing.)
Besides her own nail polish and jewelry lines, Charli also has a book in the works, a movie role and a sweet deal with Dunkin’ Donuts. When people see a cold brew with a caramel swirl in Charli’s hand, they know that eating a dozen doughnuts is sure to make them better dancers.
The other fun side of TikTok is the challenges. You remember Tide Pods, right? Now think of the fun folks could have with Gorilla Glue. (Some people have expressed concern online that the glue might be made from mashed gorillas, but it’s more likely just ferrets.)
The challenge is finding new, off-label ways to use the glue, like adhering false eyelashes. When you apply them with Gorilla Glue, your eyelids will fall off long before the lashes do. Unless they are surgically removed, you’ll end up with the longest lashes in assisted living.
Tessica Brown tried using Gorilla Glue to hold her long hair in place, possibly forever. She conceded that it was a bad idea when her hairdo solidified, and doctors had to remove the mess surgically. But you can’t fault the glue. It works. Her hair was unfazed by shampoo, conditioner and F5 tornadoes. (My dad got the same results from Brylcreem, minus the surgery.)
Here’s another one doctors love: the Blackout Challenge. You simply hold your breath until you lose consciousness, which I honestly didn’t know was possible until now. When my body tells me it’s time to inhale, I never argue. But some TikTok fans have yet to grasp the benefits that breathing on a consistent basis offers.
Another challenge keeping first responders busy is the young geniuses who keep squeezing their butts into bucket swings sized for toddlers. Surprise! They get stuck. Stuck enough that angry firefighters have to come pry them out. Apparently, professional firefighters would rather be pulling people out of burning buildings than swings.
I’d hesitate to say that to anyone on TikTok, though. They might fix the problem by gluing themselves in the swing and lighting their butts on fire. Future influencers, for sure.
Jan A. Igoe is almost as worried about kids trying these challenges as she is the adults who think that glue might be made from gorillas. Use your influence and join us at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.