Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Have you seen that TV spot for the Neck Basket? It’s a wire basket that hangs around your neck (duh), conveniently placing all your indispensible items—lawnmower, poodle, groceries—directly under your nose. Problem is, there’s no such thing. It’s just BigSpot.com’s example of a thoroughly dumb idea. As dopey products go, the Neck Basket doesn’t seem any dumber than a lot of stuff you’ll find on Amazon, where ditzy products thrive.
The more ridiculous the invention, the more rapier-witted reviewers will roast the product in their comments, which keeps the spotlight glowing. Soon, a cult following spreads like kudzu as buyers line up to buy whatever Edsel everybody is bashing.
Here are some gems no one should live without:
Banana gadgets
You can always judge a civilization by how they treat their bananas—the only fruits that rate their own patio furniture. Unlike pineapples and mangoes, upscale bananas relax on private hammocks, gently swaying in the breeze as if they aren’t about to be skinned alive.
Only then are they ready to face the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, the greatest innovation since the Grow-Your-Own-Rice bra. The 571 BS (for banana slicer) puts an end to asymmetrical portions once and for all. This innovative, crescent-shaped miracle has plastic rungs to carve identical slices your geometry teacher would be proud to eat. Send the Ginsu out to pasture. Just one artful swipe of the 571 does the trick. And it’s daffodil yellow. Bananas love that.
Personal tank
Have you settled for a Land Cruiser from Toyota when you could have one from Badonkadonk? For just under $20,000, you can park the “Donk” personal tank/cruiser in your garage next to the other suburban assault vehicles.
The advantages of a Donk can’t be overstated. Since it looks like a mutant metal horseshoe crab straight out of Star Wars, it will be easy to pick out in the mall parking lot even on Black Friday. You’ll never have to dodge another rock-spewing dump truck. And when your kids learn to drive, they can sideswipe anything they want. According to the Donk website, this tank offers “plenty of protection against paintballs, pneumatic cannons and flamethrowers.”
The Donk won’t replace your family car, since it’s not street legal in most places. But who cares about that? You’re a tank.
The only bad news is they stopped selling Donks on Amazon, where free shipping would be a plus. But don’t let that stop you. You know you’re getting tired of the minivan.
Canned uranium ore
Tired of sending your Geiger counter out for calibration? Now you can have your own stash of radioactive uranium. Yes, it’s legal. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is fine with low-level material for education and scientific use. You may need a driver’s license to buy Sudafed, but a can of uranium is fine. Just don’t eat it.
Lobster phone
If you’ve got an Android phone, I’m sorry. The Lobster Mobile Telephone Case is made exclusively for iPhones. Apple may be thrilled that their visionaries pared a picture-taking, web-surfing, email-fetching, music-storing communications marvel down to 4 ounces, but that shouldn’t stop anyone from stuffing a full-size red plastic lobster with it.
The days of groping through your pockets for your iPhone are over. When the crustacean rings, just grab it by the antennae, legs, claws or tail and speak into the lobster.
Tell whoever calls you want a Neck Basket to store your banana slicer.
JAN A. IGOE is a gadget-loving writer from Horry County who is accepting contributions for her tank fund. Write her atHumorMe@SCLiving.coop.