Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Sometimes I panic just thinking about where the world is headed. Polite, thoughtful people seem to be an endangered species, while idiots replicate like mosquitoes in August. Our leaders routinely subjugate the truth to egocentric agendas, leaving facts to suffocate under an avalanche of … well, how shall I put this? Cow patties.
As many of us fret about social demise, the national debt, global warming and how to pronounce teen activist Greta What’s-her-Berg’s last name, millions of pigeons are going without hats. (That’s right. I counted.)
Fortunately, an altruist in Las Vegas cast these petty world problems aside long enough to address the hatless bird debacle. A couple of pigeons—dubbed “Cluck Norris and Coolamity Jane”—were seen flying around Sin City with tiny cowboy hats glued to their heads, and this raises some deep philosophical questions:
- Would a chin strap have been better?
- What about a beret?
- Why didn’t this happen in Dallas?
As animal rescuers stepped up to relieve Cluck and Jane of their headwear, decent people were left to wonder what kind of moron would glue a hat on a pigeon. Luckily, I know the answer.
A human moron! We love to dress our animals. If we have to wear clothes, why shouldn’t they? Take cows, for example.
According to news reports, a Jersey dairy farmer treated her girls—Mary, Noelle, Holly and Mariah Dairy—to matching sweaters to usher in their Christmas spirit. Their outfits were custom-made, so you won’t find them on clearance at Belk. But you can prevent your personal cows from prancing around naked by enlisting the help of someone with experience knitting sweaters 20-times too large for the gift recipient. If you don’t have an aunt, just borrow one. She will be glad to help.
Animal nudity has been a controversial topic for decades. In the 1950s, G. Clifford Prout founded The Society for Indecency to Naked Animals to protect America’s moral integrity (when there still was some). Any animal over 4-inches tall should be wearing pants, a dress or equally modest garb, he preached. Within days, the organization had 50,000 supporters, according to priceonomics.com.
For six years, Prout was featured on talk shows and interviewed by prominent writers. Respected newscasters shared his diagrams of horses wearing Bermuda shorts and cows in half-slips. He called the zoo “a peep show for children” and pointed out that “a nude horse is a rude horse.” But eventually, “Prout” got bored and confessed the whole thing was a hoax. There was no Prout, only writer-comedian Buck Henry and his idea man, Alan Abel, who found it pitifully easy to scam the news media.
Today, nobody cares if your horse wears Old Navy or trots around in the buff. But they might care if your pigeon is wearing a diaper. Birds don’t need cowboy hats, but if a feathered guest visits your shoulder for more than 30 seconds, disposable undergarments are very useful. FeatherWear by Avian Fashions has finally solved the “messy bird” problem with cute little bird-shaped overalls sized to fit any feathered pet, from a goose to a cockatoo, or even a chicken.
What? You didn’t know they make Depends for chickens? I know Prout would be proud. But I’m not so sure about Greta.
Jan A. Igoe admits to dressing her dogs in Halloween costumes, sweaters and occasionally party hats, but only with chin straps. She is also a Greta fan. Animal stories are always welcome at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop