It’s not rocket voodoo

by

In high school, science wasn’t exactly my favorite subject. Especially biology. Not to get too technical here, but it was icky. We were forced—some of us against our will—to disembowel a frog marinated in formaldehyde. Biology teachers do not grant “conscientious objector” status, no matter how many times you faint.

Now that I am a mature, serious person, science fascinates me. I’ve realized that scientists are behind major breakthroughs that transform our lives every day.

Did you know that women with bountiful bottoms have smarter kids? Facebook says so. Not because we can sit on our kids until they do their homework, but because a mom’s gluteofemoral fat starts nourishing future geniuses in the womb! Of course, the usual joy snatchers jumped up to claim the research was wildly misinterpreted, but they’re all skinny. Nobody trusts them.

The greatest scientists are the ones who win Ig Nobel Prizes for innovative research. Every year, the Iggies reward “improbable research that makes you laugh, then think.” Last year, the chemistry prize went to three scientists who studied how well you can clean your kitchen with spit.

Is saliva really a miraculous cleaning agent for germy surfaces? Throughout history, moms have relied on it as facial cleanser for grimy kids and emergency spot removal when nobody’s looking. Spit is a natural, cost-effective resource that’s renewable. Once Johnson & Johnson finds out, we’ll find it in a lavender-scented spray next to the Windex.   

The nutrition prize was another revelation. Did you know that a cheeseburger has more calories than your neighbor? According to scientific calculations—let’s not think too hard about how they confirmed this one—cannibals consume fewer calories than those eating normal dead things. Please know that no one is suggesting we dine on our friends, but I wouldn’t tell the skinny moms with the dumb kids about it, just to be safe.

Six relentless scientists won the economics prize for their groundbreaking research on voodoo dolls in the workplace. They wondered if voodoo dolls were an effective way to tame a nasty boss. Sometimes HR is busy, so you have to solve management issues on your own. (It’s best to store the dolls out of your boss’s view, especially if there’s a good likeness and more than a few pins.)

Back in 2017, vital research in fluid dynamics came from a French scientist investigating a theory that should concern all of us. Are cats actually solid matter, or are they liquid? Anyone who has ever pulled a 10-pound tabby out of a tuna can milliseconds before the beast launches itself to the ceiling knows the answer is both. They can also vaporize into thin air, so cats might be gas, too.

I’ve been so inspired by the Ig Nobel winners that my bucket list includes winning one. I plan to specialize in nutrition. My research, which has already begun, will conclude whether Jelly Belly is the most reliable determinant of universal taste appeal. Scholarly summary follows:

When someone asks me to taste something, it’s usually an unpleasant vegetable with no friends that will never pass the jelly bean test.

My hypothesis? Nothing tastes good unless Jelly Belly makes that flavor. They offer toasted marshmallow (delicious), buttered popcorn, chocolate pudding and other reliable delights. However, you will not find an anchovy or pickled beet Jelly Belly. There’s your proof. This is information we can use in everyday life, so I feel pretty confident about my chances.

My kids always bring me the latest Jelly Belly collections. You know why? They’re smart. And I’ll bet you know why they are smart. (Refer to paragraph No. 3 in case you forgot.)

Will Jan Igoe successfully expand her horizons from writing to scientific breakthroughs? Her bosses are not holding their breath, but they are checking for voodoo dolls. Smart science types can reach her at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.