Illustration by Jan Igoe
If you have a job or other useful pastime, you might be missing a revolution in the world of table manners that would surely kill Emily Post if she weren’t already dead. In a world plagued by rampant obesity, soaring cholesterol and thyroids moving at the speed of sludge, enter mukbang, the South Korean phenomenon that draws millions of viewers to online channels devoted to—watching total strangers eat.
And by eat, I mean single-handedly swallow enough food for a family of 10, or “consume mass quantities,” in Conehead parlance.
Forget everything you know about talking with food in your mouth. It’s not taboo when you’re telling your fans about what you’re eating. Mukbangers don’t agonize over which utensil is the salad fork. They use their hands, they slobber and smack their lips—all while earning heaping platters of money.
You can watch skinny guys dive into 100 strips of bacon with cheese fondue, or witness a delicate Asian woman attack 10,000 calories worth of the world’s hottest garlic chili noodles with chopsticks. There are even some vegan channels for mukbang aficionados who prefer baby kale to KFC.
While most mukbang portions are enormous, it’s not a race to see who finishes first. A professional speed eater like Sonya Thomas, on the other hand, competes against men three times her size as well as the clock. Tiny Sonya has set world records for downing 455 oysters in five minutes; 38 MoonPies in eight minutes; 53 soft tacos in 12 minutes and more than eight pounds of chili cheese fries in 10 minutes, according to her website. If you’re thinking about asking her to dinner, start with Golden Corral.
A few years ago, I witnessed one of those live eating contests and still have nightmares to prove it. Eating wasn’t meant to be a contact sport, but you’d never know it the way the pros tackle food and hurl it down their throats. Their jaws chomp furiously, as they force mashed food into cheeks painfully stretched past mortal capacity. I choked just watching and kept praying that whatever they hurled down wouldn’t get hurled back up.
It was too much like watching my kids eat. When they were little, I always took my glasses off to feed them. I didn’t want to see the carnage in progress, at least not in sharp focus. It was enough to clean up the tomato sauce graffiti and spaghetti projectiles off the walls and ceiling after the fact. They had yet to invent Ragu-proof wall paint.
Mukbang is a bit more civilized than toddlers speed eating. They don’t eat bugs, rocks, industrial waste, dog kibble or anything unusually disgusting. It’s a safety thing, because no matter what you post, someone will think it’s a good idea and try it. Let’s not forget how fast those tasty Tide Pods caught on.
When you consume mass quantities, even edible ones, there will be consequences. The old advice to “never eat anything bigger than your head” still applies. Gastroenterologists and cardiologists (always the joy killers) point out side-effects ranging from permanently distended stomachs to diabetes, strokes and heart-attacks waiting in the (buffalo) wings.
When they have a channel that protects viewers from that stuff, I’ll watch. Until then, I need a big, strong guy to block the kitchen when I’m dying for mass quantities of MoonPies.
Or maybe Sonya, if she’s through eating.
Jan A. Igoe has been on more diets than Oprah. She fears mukbang videos would just make her hungrier, so she’ll keep wrestling that perennial 10 extra pounds on her own. But if anyone wants to block the fridge, that would be great. Join the fun at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.