Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Well, it’s official: We need new underwear. Not because the elastic is shot or the old ones were murdered by a hot dryer—it’s because Huffpost.com says so. I’m not sure how their reporters got into our drawers (pun intended), but apparently, they didn’t trigger any alarms.
I’m guessing most of us don’t spend a lot of time contemplating the importance of mundane undergarments, the final frontier between the world and our birthday suits, except for moms. Every mother lives in fear that her child might turn up in the hospital without pristine ones. Moms are hormonally wired to be less concerned about a gushing head wound than exposing a medical professional to an offspring’s inferior hygiene.
Besides securing your matriarch’s reputation, the right undies provide a smooth canvas (thank you, Spanx) so fashion designers can drape their creations without interference from seams, wrinkles and bulges. They’re also helpful if your pants split, but it’s still a thankless job. Undies spend most of their lives in quiet captivity unless they belong to a Kardashian.
Fashion psychology experts (yeah, that’s a thing) believe that wearing fine lingerie—the luxurious, self-indulgent silky stuff—will make us happier and more self-confident, even if your hamster is the only one that’s going to see it. You’re not buying it for the hamster, you’re buying it for you.
The right underwear seems to work like Superman’s tights and signature “S” top, the foundation garment under the Clark Kent getup. With the consummate confidence that comes from wearing fine lingerie, you’ll strut into your next corporate meeting like Elon Musk. One glance and everyone will know your only enemy is kryptonite. Or tanking Tesla stock.
So yeah, your mental health is counting on you to buy it new undies. Especially post-pandemic, when we need to feel empowered. While it doesn’t seem like the fashion folk are aiming their advice at men, who pretty much jumped from loincloths to boxers with only a brief pause at pantaloons, the right underwear can still make or break a guy’s career. If you own a guitar, for example, you could pair briefs with white cowboy boots and a matching hat. Then head to Times Square in New York City, where your attire, or lack thereof, is the least of their worries. Just ask the Naked Cowboy, who says he sometimes tops $1,000-a-day in tips.
Women, on the other hand, had to survive whale bone corsets, bustles, hoop skirts and inflatable bras. But thankfully, there’s much less scaffolding required these days. And the whales are happier.
Here’s another lingerie fact: It’s not just humans. Rodents appreciate it, too. Particularly the virgin males, according to LiveScience.com. Scientists outfitted female rats with little harnesses (rat lingerie) and introduced them to the guys. From then on, given the choice between females with or without undies, the guys chose the Frederick’s of Hollywood version every time.
The good news is that you don’t have to break the bank on a new confidence-boosting underwear repertoire. Start at Costco or Big Lots. Even top fashion psychologists concede that putting food and shelter ahead of lingerie on your priority list is a wise decision. But it’s doubtful they consulted the rats.
Jan A. Igoe has been seeing signs of post-pandemic life at the beach, with tourist-packed traffic, shortages of potato chips and a few creative people running around in bathing suits made from disposable masks. Share your sightings at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.