Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Well first, let’s dive right into the world news. Instead of the usual depressing drivel, we’ll investigate breakthroughs in bug butter. You really need to know about that.
This breaking-news detour has been brought to you by social distancing, which I’ve taken to new heights. Or widths. Since March, I’ve rarely left my cave, which led to a drastic shortage of raw material. When I do observe other humans, they’re universally grumpy and primed to explode at the least little thing. Anytime, anywhere.
At the grocery store yesterday, I watched two fragile, cane-carrying grannies hurl bananas at each other for no apparent reason. (OK, that was funny.) But generally speaking, it’s been slim pickings. The most exciting thing that’s happened to me this year is getting approved for garbage pickup. My tall, dark, handsome receptacle and I took lots of selfies just in case anybody presumes my social life isn’t robust.
Getting garbage pickup is a huge deal around here. The HOA doesn’t appreciate garbage trucks zipping around the hood at 5 mph. That’s fine, because most residents—for whatever misguided reason—enjoy filling their spotless cars with 30-gallon sacks of stinky garbage and hauling it to their very own stinky dump, especially on 95-degree days.
Every Wednesday for five years, the garbage truck rolled right past my house. All the homes up the block were grandfathered in, so they get trash pickup. But if the truck stopped to pick mine up along the way, as the HOA explained it to me, every road would have to be dug up and repaved. I tried begging, pleading and offering to slip the driver cash, but newbies never get service without a legitimate medical reason. Luckily, throwing all that trash in the dumpster didn’t agree with my back, so now everybody’s happy. Including my chiropractor.
But getting back to bug butter: If you’re guessing that must be some magic ointment that repels bugs, it’s not. I’m talking about the new waffle ingredient that repels people.
According to Reuters, Belgian scientists are working on ways to replace milk fat with bug fat, which offers “high levels of protein, vitamins, fiber and minerals.”
The researchers, who somehow escaped the lab and made their way into the kitchen, started by soaking fly larva in water. They blended that into a maggot mousse vile enough to make anyone gag — even people who live nowhere near Belgium, like in Montana.
Waffles are not the only victims. Bug goop might find its way into cakes and cookies, too. Soon, grams of maggots per serving will be listed on the label to help us meet our recommended daily requirement.
Meanwhile, in another kitchen somewhere in Hanoi, there’s a chef who hopes to lift somber spirits with his new offering: Corona burgers. This is not a pairing of the regrettably named beer and some humdrum hamburger. No, Chef Hoang Tung dyes his burger buns custom ogre-green. Each bun has tiny, sculpted appendages that look just like the virus waving at you from under a microscope. Yum! The chef told Reuters that the best way to handle anything you fear is to eat it. That might just be kitchen humor, but I’d wager there’s a spider souffle and a snake stew special somewhere on the menu.
The good news is, if you don’t like the food, I know a great place to dump it. There’s plenty of room next to the Belgian waffles.
Jan A. Igoe is not adventurous when it comes to food. Burgers and waffles have lost their appeal and bananas might be lethal weapons. Eat with caution and stay healthy. Drop her a line at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.