Illustration by Jan A. Igoe
Beauty, they say, is in the eye of the beholder. People magazine’s choice for “sexiest man alive” will never please every reader. No matter which beauty is crowned Miss Universe, some will protest that the bronze goddess from a distant continent got robbed by the knock-out redhead (or vice versa). It’s all a matter of personal taste, even if you are a goat.
In Ramygala, Lithuania, goats have been an integral part of life since Medieval times. Every year, residents parade them through their tiny village to enter a beauty contest. Owning the most glamorous goat is a big deal in places without Netflix. The goats are gussied up in fancy clothes, so it’s a lot like an evening gown competition except the contestants don’t shave.
The lucky winner might walk away with a few jars of honey or a bushel of cucumbers. But down the road just a few thousand miles, beautiful sheep are worth more than my car. Saudi Arabia is home to the Najdi sheep, which has a silky coat and an elegant head, as sheep heads go. It’s also tasty, but fortunately for the contestants, beauty trumps barbecue.
The world offers pageants for just about any creature with at least four legs. Every year, the British Tarantula Society awards best-in-show honors to the worthiest arachnid. More than 30,000 tarantulas vie for the title. The winner must strike a pose to show off its impressive musculature. (If you’re picturing an eight-legged Schwarzenegger, join the club.) Points are awarded for shapely legs, appealing color and nice abs. Judges also look for spiders that are highly alert. Personally, I like lethargic spiders because they give me more time to flee.
Even pigs, pigeons, cows and elephants have their own beauty contests, but no competition is quite as intense as a camel pageant. The annual camel festival in Abu Dhabi celebrates all things camel, including beauty.
The most beautiful camels will be very tall with long legs, well-proportioned necks and thick eyelashes. Discriminating judges look for full lips and an ample hump. Since prize breeding stock is worth tens of thousands in U.S. dollars, owners have occasionally been caught bending a rule or two. They’ve been known to apply oil to deepen the coat and a few gallons of hair spray to keep that hump from going frizzy in the desert heat.
That’s not all. Last year, a dozen camels were disqualified for having their nostrils and lips enhanced with Botox, which I’m guessing wasn’t their idea.
This creates a problem for contestants that can’t afford cosmetic fillers, not to mention the buyers who pay top dollar for the allegedly natural beauties. When the camel’s facial features shrink to normal size about three months after purchase, the buyer will realize he’s stuck with a thin-lipped, skinny-nosed camel with a frizzy hump and an expired warranty.
That’s not right. In this country, we don’t think camels need plastic surgery and we don’t dress goats in Vera Wang. Nothing could be more preposterous or unnatural.
Our goats wear pajamas. That way, nobody will see their undies when they’re jumping on trampolines.
Jan A. Igoe is upset that camels can afford cosmetic fillers while she’s working with a Maybelline budget. Finding adorable goat pajamas on Etsy made her feel much better. Please send any small, spare goats to HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.