If you're ever lucky enough to move in with me, we’ll need to have one basic understanding. It’s just a tiny morsel of information, but it could save your life: I am not a morning person. (Note: This has been brought to you as a public service announcement.)
Although I can sometimes impersonate a calm, peace-loving, non-knifewielding writer, the only reason my resume isn’t a rap sheet is because no one has been dumb enough to get between me and my first vat of coffee. That’s one time you don’t want to be first.
Remember when the Stay Puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters attacked petrified New Yorkers? We have an equally frightening scenario at my house. In early-morning, precaffeine videos—which loving family members have preserved for posterity on YouTube—an Old World chameleon wearing a terry robe that should have gone to Goodwill during the Clinton administration is invading our kitchen. As the mutant lizard known as “Mom” gropes her way toward the coffee pot, she sends camera girl the death glare with one revolving eye, while the other homes in on a java receptacle. Bystanders make every effort to stay out of swatting range.
They are wise to stay back. Now that caffeine intoxication and withdrawal have been classified as legitimate mental health disorders, anybody with a Starbucks cup in his or her trash can get away with murder. Say you happen to tackle some idiot who prevented you from sticking your head under Mr. Coffee when he wasn’t dripping fast enough, just tell the nice judge the caffeine made you do it. That’s how one quick-thinking lawyer defended a client who allegedly chopped his wife’s head off to get her to stop talking. Official defense strategy: “He ran out of decaf.”
This tactic actually worked for a guy who drank two cups of coffee before bowling down several bystanders with his car. He pleaded “caffeine intoxication” and got off. Those pesky, uncaffeinated pedestrians should have moved faster. If they’d had as much caffeine as the driver, they could have flown out of the way.
If you fly because you are a bee, caffeine might be especially good for you. According to National Geographic, caffeinated plants improve bees’ long-term memories so they can fly further from the hive and remember what the heck they were pollinating before they turned left. It’s unclear what else needs remembering if you’re a bee, but they’re 50 percent more likely to send your anniversary card on time than other insects.
Even if we agree to quit caffeine before more innocent bystanders are harmed, it would be easier to switch to an all-yak-meat diet than to avoid caffeine in America. We bee buzzed from sea to shining sea.
You won’t be safe in Iowa, home of “hypercaffeinated cookie squares” at Snack in the Face bakery. If you move to Washington, the Wired Waffles will get you. And forget Wisconsin. That’s home to Bang!! Caffeinated Ice Cream. Maybe Colorado … No, wait. That’s Perky Jerky headquarters.
If you need help kicking the caffeine habit, come to my house. We’ll do it together. Now that we’ve got a legit mental disorder and aren’t just nuts given to homicidal rages, we can form a support group. Maybe Starbucks will deliver.
One more PSA: No cracks about the robe, OK?
Jan A. Igoe is happy to find that her caffeine addiction is a legitimate disorder. Reach Jan at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.