Illustration by Jan Igoe
As a society, it appears that we’re all getting dumb and dumber with every passing minute. Erudite scientists (who somehow found a way to stay smart but are selfishly hoarding it) have confirmed that our IQ scores are dropping like suicidal flies. So, enjoy walking erect while you can, my fellow hominids. Evolution might be a round-trip ticket.
They say lots of things are contributing to our decline, things like reality TV and bad diet (too much buttered bacon, too few fermented chia seeds). And that “ability to multitask” you find in every job description—well, it turns out that’s no good for us, either. Doing five things at once doesn’t enhance productivity. It just lets us screw everything up faster.
Remember when chewing gum was supposed to help concentration? That may not be true after all. The old “walk and chew gum” thing is risky business for our diminished brains. We could choke or trip (probably not simultaneously, since that would be multitasking).
Ironically, infinite access to knowledge is working against us. Now that the entire spectrum of human accomplishment is a mere click away, we can’t remember anything that’s not on our cellphones. The more we Google, the more our brains mimic abandoned storage facilities. They’re vacant.
There is one ray of sunshine in all this. “Retail therapy” turns out to be a thing—a real thing. Some experts say that shopping helps us stay sharp mentally and physically. You get to lift things, compare prices and hunt killer bargains, all of which activates brain circuits and greases your math lobes. It turns out that running away from the screaming guy waving the credit card bill at home is beneficial aerobic activity, particularly if he’s chasing you up and down stairs while you leap over stuff. (That’s from my personal research.)
Neurobiologists believe that novel kinds of stimulation—or neurobics— build our mental muscle. Cleaning the house with the same old upright weapon won’t stimulate your brain, but if you try it while crawling around blindfolded, your brain will be a happy camper. Brains love a challenge.
Some of my friends have been working on ways to combine the benefits of retail therapy with neurobics—to help their significant others avoid deadly brain flab, of course.
Take my buddy Casey, who is an extremely honest person. And so frugal. She finds her entire wardrobe at consignment shops. So, when her soulmate asks if she’s wearing something new, Casey just asks, “You mean this old thing?’’ and everybody’s happy.
Pam’s technique is more creative, which is very good for brains. She heads straight from Dillard’s designer racks to her dry cleaner, plucks off the price tags and has her hub pick everything up the next day. It gives “laundering the loot” a whole new meaning.
When my friend Monica got a $300 speeding ticket on her way to a sale, she wanted to protect her mate from worry, so she couldn’t pay by check or credit card. Instead, she got $20 cash back from 27 different stores with her bank card, paid the ticket in cash and went shopping with the extra loot. Her brain solved a problem, and her honey never suspected he was sleeping with Dale Jr.
So, protect your brain today, and go buy stuff. Let the dummies push the Hoover. Our math lobes need grease.
JAN A. IGOE is very interested in brain research and any evidence that vacuuming and mopping are bad for your health. Shop on, and write her at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.