Illustration by Jan Igoe
With so many couples splitting up before death gets around to doing them part, there’s no better time to marry your cat.
Or dog, dolphin or goldfish.
Some animals—like swans, certain apes and beavers—pair up for life. You’ll never see Mr. and Mrs. Beaver locked in a custody battle, splitting up the family dam. Human relationships, as some of us learned the hard way, are not so infallible. So, when seeking unconditional love, you might want to start at the pet store.
Take a cue from fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld. Chanel’s legendary creative director is deep into his 80s yet still spends his days wandering amongst legions of leggy, undernourished women who covet his clothing. But Karl only has eyes for one female—his cat, Choupette, who is attended by full-time maids and has more than 89,000 followers on her Instagram account. Lagerfeld declared that he would marry Choupette, if the law allowed it.
Just know we’re not talking about any kinky stuff here. Far from it. We’re talking about earnest animal lovers who want the world to know their hearts belong to a member of the opposite species, which doesn’t even have to dwell on land.
After a 15-year courtship, British millionaire Sharon Tendler tied the knot with a bottlenose dolphin she met in Israel. According to news sources, the bride dressed in white, knelt down on the dock and kissed her waterlogged love on the head when he surfaced. Sadly, he finned the bucket a few short years after the couple “wed.”
The good news is you don’t have to be rich and famous to declare true love, particularly if you’re already paying your intended’s vet bills. Any peasant can ditch eHarmony and turn to MarryYourPet.com.
“Marriage is for life if the pet is your wife,” the exceptionally ugly website proclaims. Its creator, Dominique, believes in celebrating the miraculous bond we share with our pets. According to Marry Your Pet, she became an ordained priest and has married hundreds of humans and pets all over the world. The marriage may have no significance beyond your front door, but let rational people worry about that.
You can choose a simple wedding for under $30 or a fancy one for $220 that includes a “Just Married My Pet” T-shirt. Please be sure you’re committed to Fido, because this marriage is for keeps. Divorce is strictly prohibited.
Fortunately, the site can tell you if you’re astrologically compatible. If you’re a Libra and FiFi is a Capricorn, for example, your laid-back ways will drive her up the wall. Or, if you’re a Cancer and Rover’s a Gemini, he may “trample your feelings and make off with your friends.” That’s something to consider before tying the knot.
Also, you must pledge never to embarrass your pet. That means no more sailor outfits. No more tutus. And absolutely no reindeer antlers.
If you’re more into reptiles or fish, don’t worry. The site’s definition of what constitutes a pet is very broad. Anything from a ferret to a frog qualifies, as long as you love it. You could even marry your favorite insect.
I mean, assuming you haven’t already tried that.
JAN IGOE hasn’t married her dogs yet, but it could happen by Valentine’s Day. Share your love story at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.