While I can’t cite an official study, there’s a lot of what we writers call “anecdotal evidence” that warm weather makes people stupid. Anecdotal evidence is what columnists and deadline-driven journalists often rely on when we can’t brake for obstacles such as facts.
In this case, I’m talking about actual news reports—all collected since sun block season started—where overheated individuals have been caught embracing their inner moron.
None of these people came from Alaska or other planets with polar bears. In fact, the majority reside right here in our sizzling state, where homegrown maniacs usually surrender the summer spotlight to tourist talent. But not lately. We’ve only got a couple more brain-melting months to go, so let’s crank up the AC and chill out before stupid happens again.
Defenseless driving
A disgruntled motorist recently tried to cross the Waccamaw River in a stolen truck, Robbie Knievel-style. The news reports cited road rage, which prompted him to crash into several vehicles, carjack at least two, and attempt the river jump without a ramp. The police had to borrow a canoe to haul him out like a prize flounder. Maybe next time, he’ll use some common sense and steal a boat.
Standing apology
It takes a proactive person to tattoo an all-occasion apology on his forehead that reads: “God loves you. Please forgive me if I say or do anything stupid, Thank You!” This thoughtful gesture may persuade neighbors to cut him some slack when they catch his dog watering their marigolds, but probably not for spitting at them while they’re trying to read his head. Phlegm tends to neutralize the Hallmark moment.
Hiring a hit person
Note to self: When you don’t have time for relationship counseling and decide to hire a professional to knock off your baby daddy, don’t use Facebook until you unfriend his mom. Or try Craig’s List.
Discount liposuction
It’s always tempting to save money on plastic surgery by hiring a stranger who’ll perform it with a Hoover in somebody’s apartment, but when the lipo-sucker offers to pick you up at the mall, that’s usually a red flag. Real doctors almost never pick patients up unless they faint in the waiting room. But with real docs, their price includes perks like sterilization, stitches and even anesthesia. Here’s an idea for cost-conscious lipo-seekers: Until you can afford a real doctor, how about joining a real gym?
Pageant precaution
Nobody likes a wrinkly 8-yearold. That’s why one mom decided to inject her pageant-contestant daughter with Botox. You know the old saying: A needle a day keeps the crow’s feet away. With any luck, the child won’t need liposuction until she’s 10. (Therapy, yes. Liposuction, no.)
Mugging for the mug shot
You have the right to remain dignified when detectives add you to their digital scrapbook, so leave the Cheshire cat thing to John Edwards. There’s no need to smile for the camera unless your dentist is paying for the advertising rights.
If we just stay cool, most of us can make it to Halloween without a felony charge. But if something really dumb happens, please tell the cops you’re visiting from Juneau.
Jan A. Igoe, a writer and illustrator from Horry County, will never run out of humor columns as long as the police keep sharing their catch of the day. Share your thoughts with her at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop