Illustration by Jan Igoe
Every year, the holidays have a way of sneaking up on us. One minute, we’re grilling hot dogs, melting under summer sun and waiting for the fireworks to start. Seconds later, the pumpkins, frozen turkeys and third cousins are barreling toward us for Christmas dinner. And they’re gaining speed.
Some of you admirable folks stocked up on wrapping paper and holiday cards last year, the moment “50 percent off” signs went up. You finished all your Christmas shopping by February, meticulously wrapped and labeled every gift, and had them safely stored in your underground bunker before Easter. Congratulations to all the stellar role models who prepare for everything eons ahead of time. You can stop reading now.
For the rest of us, who just noticed that Christmas is days away and have yet to nail down the first stocking stuffer, I’ve got your back. Here are some unique gift ideas for my kindred spirits to convince loved ones that Santa is alive and well in our hearts.
For cat fanciers
Your cuckoo Aunt Nelly who lives with 17 cats will adore her own Licki Brush. Born on Kickstarter, this oversized, bump-covered, silicone tongue has revolutionized feline grooming. It’s got a convenient mouthpiece (much like a snorkel) that enables a human to join in the fun without swallowing any fur balls. Great for everyone who has been dying to lick their cats.
For the youngsters
Wondering what to get for the tat-covered teen who is pierced in 14 places and barely grunts at anyone over 25? The fashion world is raving about nose-hair extensions that look like fluffy eyelashes grew right out of your nose. They are compatible with most nose piercings, so long as you breathe through your mouth. And self-adhesive, too.
For your foodies
Everybody loves tacos, but all that lettuce, cheese and tomatoes always manages to escape, leaving you with empty tortilla shells and a mashed mess underfoot. The solution? Put Tito Chihuahua Taco Holder in charge. This charming, ceramic dog has three slots to keep tacos neatly folded and all that stuffing in captivity. There’s nothing like a festive dog on your table to make your guests wonder what other filling is in that taco. I like to keep them guessing.
For the gardener
Realizing that zombies and vampires are the least of our worries, visionary Chuck Sambuchino penned How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will). According to this indispensable guide, the enemy is “hiding in plain sight … plotting world domination.” Your loved one will learn how to spot suspicious activity and “gnomeproof” her home before it’s too late.
If you really want to go all out, throw in The Great Garden Gnome Massacre—a realistic statue of a carnivorous dinosaur chowing down on several red-capped garden invaders. Strategically placed, a few of those could help deter an uprising.
Well, I hope this guide will satisfy everyone on your gift list. I would have included some gnome-proof steel bunkers, but they are really hard to wrap. And, you probably forgot the wrapping paper.
Jan Igoe wishes all our South Carolina Living readers a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Have a wonderful time with your family and friends, and please, steer clear of the gnomes. Keep in touch at HumorMe@SCLiving.coop.